The Secret Society of Candymasters

This really has nothing to do with anything, but I heard one of our buddies does this for a living so it's a story I wanted to tell.

I took a job last week as a door to door salesman. Not my thing, but I needed to start making some money. Anyways, before you start they tell you 85 percent of your leads are generated by the client this "company" represents. Not the case. It's a straight door to door sales, cold calling, soliciting job. These terms are filtered at all costs. Door to door sales are referred to as "consulting." Cold calling is "new lead generation" and my personal favorite, soliciting is "direct marketing. There's a very narrow definition why this work isn't soliciting, but that's another story.

So here's where it gets funny. Because this job sucks, and it's 100% commission, these people are all very motivated. Instead of just coming into the office in the morning, having a meeting, and hitting your "territory", they play games for 2 hours. I played charades, pictionary, guess the 'opportunity' clue, and practiced my cheesy pitch a million times in a week. Everyone is super stoked, gives high fives, and tells you your going to be awesome. Finally, around 10-10:30am you go to your territory. The reason for these games is that a random survey taken by CEO's (there's more of these to come) says that employees don't start working hard until 11am, apparently charades is a way more efficient use of time.

It's now 11:30am and the day begins. Follow-ups consist of pestering a person you couldn't previously. These last until about 2pm. Then the soliciting begins. It doesn't matter if there's no one in the office at 5:30 pm, these "consultants" will find someone. I was honestly taken aback about the boldness of these individuals to march through empty offices until they found, if even the janitor, someone to solicit. To a particular trainer, my being polite by speaking softly in a deafly quiet office, was a lack of confidence.
Now, here's where the Candymaster comes in. I have a friend who self proclaims himself the candymaster. My trainer's this week are the true candymasters. Because another random survey of CEOs stated that on average they worked 11hr days and took less than an 1/2hr for lunch, that's how these people work. Fueled by 24oz Mt. dews and cigarettes, they do not stop for sustenance. Instead, they snack on the candy bowls set out for the customers of these small businesses. I told them I hated fast food on my first day. Tough shit. Lunch, if there is one, is a fast food stop for some grease to perpetuate the end of the day office smiles and high fives.

After lowering myself in society for a day, I get to return to the office. Everyone must be positive. Any stories about being told to fuck off or being threatened with a wrench (it happened to me at a small construction biz) are forbidden. Their reasoning is that these events happen everyday so they're no big deal. In reality, they don't want to acknowledge how they make their petty existance. Also, stories like it rained all day, but I made some sales are called posi-negs, and subsequently forbidden. So now you run around and slap high fives to people after shaking a bucket or ringing a bell. It's now 6pm. I return home after an 11hr day with nothing but a peppermint and a bite-size snickers in my belly. Apparently, these are they keys to success my friends!

It's funny. To be fair, if you truly want to commit to this profession you can make a living and a decent one. I think I have friend who does. You just need the right personality. However, if you want to make a healthy living, this isn't it. I guessed that a 26 and a 27 year old man were in their mid to late thirties. But being a successful 26 yr old and looking 37 is a posi-neg and completely uncalled for! HA!